Diaper Doug: Man, I can’t wait to get out of here. This strait-jacket is wrecking my posture.

Ned: Yeah, and the color is so passé. Would it kill them to give us some strait-jean-jackets?

Diaper Doug: And why are they called strait “jackets” when they're so thin? They’re strait-shirts at best.

Ned: So... why do they call you Diaper Doug?

Diaper Doug: You seriously don’t know? We've been ward-mates for five years.

Ned: Yeah, I figured you were waiting for me to ask but I was worried you’d break out into some long monol-

Diaper Doug: I’ll tell you why they call me Diaper Doug, Ned. But you’ve got to keep this between us. They could be watching or listening from anywhere right now. What I’m about to say is top secret. Don’t tell this to anyone, not even me. Basically...I cracked the code. I figured out what the root of all addiction is– the thing that keeps bringing people back to caffeine and nicotine. It’s not the endorphins. Addiction has nothing to do with feeling good, Ned. It’s that whenever you try to quit, you can’t shit. And people HATE that. Your insides get all blocked up which forces you to relapse. Same goes with alcoholism. A night out boozin leads to a morning of poopin. Food addictions. Try quitting food cold turkey and the shits will stop. The only reason people are addicted to eating food is for the poop-payoff. Now, Ned, let me ask you– what is the one thing we abuse every single day that we can’t shit without? Toilets. We’re all addicted but we don’t even realize it, Ned, and Big Toilet has everyone exactly where they want us. We’re eating out of the palm of their hand and drinking the toilet water. That’s why I defected my defecations.

Ned: What is Big Toilet?

Diaper Doug: Ned, are you even listening? Big Toilet is a secret society of the global elite who created addictions to keep us hooked on their bowls! Nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, it’s all them. Heroin too. Big Toilet started spreading it to keep the unwashed masses flushing. What’s the first thing junkie houses do when they get raided?

Ned: Ohh they flush the drugs down the toilet!

Diaper Doug: What? No. They snort it all and die. And when they die they crap themselves. Then the paramedics flush it for them. It’s all connected. Big Toilet is running the world and we’re too busy vacantly coasting from movement to movement to even think twice. Big Toilet designed bathrooms like casinos. They pump oxygen into those places… you never know what time it is in there ‘cause there aren’t any clocks or windows– They don’t want you to leave and the house always wins. The house always wins.

Ned: Oh my god, I always wondered why there aren’t any clocks or windows in bathrooms. How deep does this go? 

Diaper Doug: Deeper than you’d ever imagine. It’s the same group that blamed Bush for 9/11… The guys that turned killing Indians into something to be thankful for... It’s from the people that brought you Despicable Me and the Minions movie… This is the group that antiquated the outhouse and cancelled Matt Lauer. Ned, fight Big Toilet with me.

Ned: I will, I’ll start wearing diapers. Where do I get them?

Diaper Doug: Go see Dr. Duncan and whisper “Royal Flush.” He’s one of us.