What’s up, brah. I’m Gavin, but everyone calls me Ox. It’s a pleasure to be your new physical trainer. If you follow my signature Oxercise™ regimen exactly, you can look just like me, minus the jaundice and active lesions. My main prerogative is getting you more cut, ripped, and shredded than a piece of cardstock. Without further a-dude, let’s dive right in.

          It’s crucial to incorporate exercise into your daily routine whenever humanly possible. For starters, go out and get a weighted blanket. It’ll help you sweat in your sleep, but more importantly, you start your day with a rep just by lifting the covers. Lunge your way over to the bathroom. During your morning shower, I want you to hold a plank, even while using both hands to shampoo. Don’t dry off with a towel afterwards, that’s too easy. Instead, jerk an open-umbrella up and down like a Shake Weight until the gusts of wind air-dry you off. Any moment you’re not GAINING you’re LOSING.

          You need to go to Whole Foods and get three watermelons. Even though they’ll probably advise against it, insist they put them all in the same paper bag. From now on, when you brush your teeth, let the watermelon bag hang on your elbow. Remember, when the bag is a-swinging, the burn is a-stinging.

          Alright let’s talk breakfast. You’re gonna wanna buy a doorway pull-up bar and a pack of turkey bacon. Don’t peel off the bacon strips, cook it as a collective. Mount the slab of bacon above your doorframe and start doing pull-ups. Every time you pull yourself up, take a bite of bacon. It’s like Hungry Hungry Hippos meets CrossFit—I call it CrossFood. The grind never stops, not even for breakfast now.

          I want you to start taking creatine supplements too. I used to mix creatine into my succulent’s fertilizer and now it’s hella swole, so just imagine what it’ll do for a twig like you. You can slip some creatine into your morning coffee, or your toothpaste, or ideally both.

          Okay, now it’s finally time to hit the real gym. When you walk in, you’ll probably be overwhelmed by equipment. That’s okay, don’t panic. Head straight to the locker room. Hopefully your gym has hair combs near the sink. If not, I’m going to need you to transfer to a classier gym. Pull one of the combs out of the Barbicide jar and comb your hair vigorously for 45 minutes. At this point, the watermelon bag that’s still hanging on your elbow should be fully at work.  

          And don’t forget, if you didn’t post it, it didn’t happen. So be sure to start a fitness Instagram, or as we call it in the business, a Fitstagram. When you’re sipping on your morning creatine-coffee, don’t forget to upload it to your story. I recommend using a caption like “Rise and Grind, muscle emoji, growth chart emoji.” This may be a lengthy process before you start to notice gains (in muscles, or followers), so it’s important to always remember: tone wasn’t built in a day.