It was then, that the jester played his tune

a tune so terrible, it made grown men cry

and turned extroverted men… shy

But one man in the crowd 

felt such a deep burning hatred for the song

that his ears turned inside out to get away from its vile vibrations

Outraged, the man grabbed what he had in close proximity… a ripe, justified tomato

he reared back with all his might

and threw it with all the strength he could mustard

The performance came to a halt as the crowd jostled with hearty laughter

The jester’s bad thoughts began to ketchup to him

and he exited the stage with what little dignity he had left

It was at this moment

that the tomato farmer had his epiphany

and he rushed back to the farm

He filled his small wooden cart to the brim with tomatoes

A sight only comparable

to what a children’s ball pit at Olive Garden would look like

The farmer went to shows and plays all across town

selling his crop to the audiences

who were all too pleased to express their distaste with the town’s lackluster entertainment scene

The more they bought, the more his pockets jingled

Gold coins clinking and clanking – a sound for sore ears

and one that was best accompanied by the sobbing of tomato-covered actors

Few things travel faster than spoken word

and tomatoes…

were the talk of the town

Each morning the people would stand at their doors

their fingers eager to grab hold of the newspaper

now equipped with tomato ratings for any performances from the previous night

The tomato farmer had found his place in society

providing the people with power –

the power to keep their friends and family from wasting their time

Other farmers tried to follow suit

but had a terrible sense of direction

and watched from the sidelines as tomatoes – and tomatoes alone – flew through the air

The tomato farmer hadn’t seen Fast and Furious

but he would have made Dom proud

because he kept the business in the family

Generation after generation continued to supply the fruits

getting juicier and juicier every season

as if the tomatoes themselves knew they were serving a higher purpose

A ways down the line, the information age tried to kill the business

as actors and actresses searched for solace from the tomatoes

on fresh internet stages 

Everyone knows that the tomato doesn’t fall far from the vine

and the tomato farmer’s great great great great great grandson

had an epiphany of his own

This led to the birth of the Rotten Tomatoes we know today

And even though audiences no longer throw the tomatoes

They still appreciate the freedom afforded to them by the beloved fruit