Drug deals can be a super stressful time for everyone involved. Do both parties a favor and NEVER say the following when you get into the dealer’s car...

“Ewww it smells like weed in here!”

You’ve made a terrible mistake. Your Uber is down the street. Get out while you still can.

“So, Slasher, what’s your real name?”

As a rule of thumb, only use aliases during drug deals. That said, his name really is Slasher. 

“Do you accept checks?”

Nope. He only accepts cash, Cash App, and derivative securities (foreign exchange futures & options).

“Is this vegan?”

There are pools of blood covering his backseat, clearly your drug dealer’s a carnivore.

“That new This is Us episode last night was killer, huh.”

Your drug dealer is the top dog in an elite crime ring. He kills two and a half men every week, never This is Us. Big sitcom guy.

“Do you think my ass looks good in these jeans?”

Don’t ask questions you don’t want honest answers to.

“Are you going to finish that crab rangoon?”

That’s no crab rangoon, that’s a sawed-off shotgun!

“The boys back at the station are gonna love this!”

Saying this will certainly get you into trouble. And stop referring to Citgo as “the station.” The wording feels intentionally ambiguous. 

“How come we never talk about us? Stop lying to yourself, I know you feel the chemistry too.”

This is your first time meeting him. You have to play hard to get. Don't rush it, give the relationship some time to breathe.

“Did Disney Pixar’s Coco make you weep too?”

This man did 15 years of hard time and came out with two teardrop tattoos. You bet your fucking life he cried at Coco.

“Mind if I pet your dog?”

That’s not a dog, that’s the crab rangoon!