The Best Stories from March Madness:

Oral Roberts: Made it all the way to the Sweet 16 to lose against Arkansas by 2. 



DISCLAIMER: I am a good Christian boy so I absolutely REFUSE to make any suggestive jokes about the name of this team, despite some of my immature and churlish friends encouraging me to do so. 

Anyways, so here's a team that shocked us all when it came out of nowhere directly into our faces. Their tenacity to fight for every ball, their precision in making sure their fanbase is satisfied, and their lung capacity to go up and down (the court) for so long is truly remarkable to see from such a huge seed, 15th to be exact. You especially hate to see Oral perform a last second rim job like they did, as Max Abmas barely missed the game winning three against Arkansas. At the end of the day, I think we can all look back and just appreciate Oral for all that it has done for us. For guys like me, I only come across an anomaly like Oral every once in a blue moon, so when I finally am presented with it, it truly raises my heart rate and brings a tear to my eye. I just wish that it could have gone to completion, and won the National Championship, but beggars can't be choosers I suppose.

Oregon State: A 14-12 team during the regular season that won the PAC-12 tournament to secure their March Madness bid and has made it to the Elite Eight.

I could go on for days writing about all the amazing things that this team has accomplished and how they have truly defied the odds in this crazy March Madness tournament. However, I want to focus on one thing that they were able to do that has truly been a blessing: kick Sister Jean out of the tournament. Alright, everybody settle down and take a step back. I know you want to say "oh but, ‘Anonymous Really Attractive Writer for The Duke Comical’, how could you say this? She is a sweet old lady that loves her team." To that I respond with: "Let's take a deeper look, shall we?"

For starters, did any of you hear her prayer before the Illinois game? She was absolutely shitting on the ability of the Illinois players and praying that they don't succeed. Doesn't sound very Christian and/or Jewish and/or Muslim and/or Scientologistic if you ask me. And let's get into this whole old age thing. She is like 102 years old, right? Sounds like she has been eating food that could have gone to communities in need for over a century?! Spell it out with me: S-E-L-F-I-S-H. The one thing I will give to her is her looks. She can absolutely get it. 10/10, would take on 3 fancy dates and then on the third one ask if she consents to intercourse.