Christmas isn't the only season of giving...

• Thanksgiving: give some land back to the natives along with some stuffing.
• St Patrick’s Day: give alcoholics another excuse to day drink and hit their husbands (bet you weren’t expecting that, sexist).
• Daylight Savings: give a man on death row an extra hour to live, even if it still gets dark outside.
• 9/11: give the local Pakistani family an undeserved hard time. 
• Valentine’s Day: give gonorrhea to some poor woman at the local watering hole.
• Halloween: give my parole officer a run for his money with a fancy loophole (I’m not violating house arrest if the kids come to MY door).
• July 4th: give violent flashbacks to an army veteran thanks to some exciting fireworks.
• Good Friday: give God an overdue apology and promise to be a better person.
• Black Friday: give chase to the fucking whore who just snatched up the last Panasonic Countertop Microwave Oven. Take it from her. Play God. She shops for you now.