Allergies, Man:

Tell me about it, brother. My seasonal allergies are flaring up. Everywhere is itchy. I keep rubbing my puffy eyes until I see stars— usually the cast of Degrassi, wheelchair Drake and all. My scalp is dry and comically itchy, but whenever I scratch it, a cloud of dandruff sprinkles in front of my face. My dandruff has the same color and chemical composition as pollen, which only exacerbates my symptoms. My ears are clogged and continuously ringing with the “YOUUU” from Crank That by Soulja Boy— you know the one. I cannot stop yawning. My lips haven’t touched each other in years. My nose is constantly dripping some sort of black bile. I’ve tried corking it up with diving nose-clips and baby carrots, but whenever there’s a backup, it rushes out of my ears. Using earplugs then redirects the bile to spew out of my mouth, which as I’ve mentioned, I cannot close from incessant yawning. I’m also sneezing, like a lot.

Update:

I started taking antihistamines. They helped… I guess? My swollen tongue has deflated to an eighth of its normal size. It’s not an improvement. There’s no longer blood in my urine, which is great! The only problem is that now there’s urine in my blood, which is not great! Bleeding piss is nowhere near as fun as it sounds. My dandruff’s no longer pollen, but it’s still not “normal”. I’ve been told healthy dandruff* has flakes that resemble grains of garlic powder, but mine are the size of garlic cloves. I don’t have a scratchy throat anymore. Now it’s just itchy and impossible to scratch.

My sneezing has subsided and been replaced with spasmic, uncontrollable shouting. Every couple of minutes, I panic shriek “They’re coming! Hide the children!”. There is no situation where this is ever useful. After the third false lockdown, I even lost my job as principal! My involuntary yelling did lend itself well to my rebound job as the boom guy for porn sets, though.

Since taking the meds I’ve been sporadically speaking in run-on sentences but I think I have that under control for the most part and I’m pretty sure it hasn’t affected my credibility as an aspiring antihistamine muckraker at all. One known side effect of allergy meds is dizziness. Thankfully, I do not have this. I do have crippling paralysis, though.

Update Two:

I visited an allergist, and they ran some tests. It turns out I am allergic to pollen, trees, leavened bread, cats, dogs, unleavened bread, dust mites, and The Scent of a Woman. I was given an allergy shot, which hurt A LOT. For the rest of the afternoon, I couldn’t even lift my left arm! That said, it did cure every single one of my ailments. Except for Soulja Boy. That’s still stuck in my head. YOUUUUUUU.

*Oxymoron Alert!