To our infant readers who are 5 and younger— chances are you’re beginning to realize how cold and indifferent the world is. If you’re feeling suicidal, don’t worry, we’re here to help! It’s hard to kill yourself as a kid. Mommy and Daddy won’t let you near their gun drawer, we get it. But don't lose hope. Your enabler Uncle Comical has arrived with a whole list of ways to end it all, working with what you got. It’s even arranged in a format you’re familiar with. Children, it’s time you learned your suicide letters…

A is for… “Accidental” Aspirin overdose

B is for… Boiling Baby oil Bubble Bath

C is for… Call Casey Anthony to babysit

D is for… Do take candy from strangers

E is for… Electric pool floaties

F is for… Fireplace Face plant

G is for… Go Get serious help… NOT!

H is for… Hop into Harambe’s Habitat and Hug His Homie

I is for… Intentional bee sting, If you’re allergic

J is for… Jump-rope noose

K is for… Kiddie pool head-first dive

L is for… Legos and Lincoln Logs build a great guillotine

M is for… Mommy and Me Murder suicide

N is for… Nepotist daddy on death row

O is for… Ovens double as tanning beds

P is for… Pencil sharpener throat slit

Q is for… Quail hunt with daddy and dress as a Quail

R is for… Rest on a Railroad during nap-time

S is for… Skip down Sesame Street during a gang Shootout

T is for… Take a Tumble out of a Treehouse Taller Than Three floors

U is for… Unplug a go-kart battery and stick it Under your tongue

V is for… Violent foster family

W is for… Wait until death’s inevitability finds you

X is for… Why are you still reading this? Just use one of the first 23 methods, jeez.

Y is for… Your mother should’ve gotten a Yabortion

Z is for… Ziploc baggie over head