Peterson Family,

I have come to the realization that I made several oopsie-woopsies at our last family reunion that upset quite a few of my kin. I want you all to know that this is absolutely the last thing I would ever want to project onto my beautiful family. Seriously, I cannot emphasize enough what a kind and physically appealing group the Peterson clan is. Below I have included a short list of grievances from others that I wish to address:

• I want to apologize to my mentor, my mother’s oldest brother, Uncle Jerry. I know things seemed unassuming at first, but I went too far over the line when I loudly proclaimed “Look everyone, I’m giving dome to Uncle Jerome!” and pretended to undo your overalls like a little rascal. Performing oral sex on my respectful and handsome uncle is not something I should goof about. I will admit that I deserved the firm backhanded cheek clap. It’s high time that someone put me in my place.  However, I do think my off-handed exclamation of “I’m just trying to get a load of this guy!” was quite tasteful. 
• I know now that I should not have put Daddy’s special Creamy Jiff Peanut Butter over my flesh member and chased Fido around the yard. In my defense, his wide haunches and innocent hanging tongue piqued my interest. Regardless of the beastiality laws in our sensual state of Mississippi, I knew of my father’s affection for that tasty spread and still acted selfishly. When I skipped and sang “I’m taking Fido to pound town,” my family was so very worried. But no need to fret, I didn’t mean the actual pound, sillies.
• Most of you Peterson bunch could withstand the earlier errors, but most of the event’s guests had something to say about my playful actions at the end of the afternoon: I personally thought it was quite silly when I nailed Granny with the banana cream pie. I giggled at my handiwork, and it appeared Granny was amused too, until she started convulsing on the ground. One Peterson exclaimed that she was allergic to the brown of bananas and was undergoing anaphylactic shock, but that's impossible. I sliced off the tip before I cream pied that poor dame.

Overall, I do feel remorse for the way my goofy little actions were perceived. However, I think this can be a learning opportunity: the Peterson family can benefit from dropping the metaphorical skinny jeans of society and revealing all of our girthy, throbbing individuality for everyone to see. I will see you all at the next family function, whether you like it or not. 

With tender love, 

Your playful Mississippi Mischief Maker

P.S. My parole officer changed her number. Good luck tattling on me now!

P.P.S. Breast in Peace Granny. We all miss you so much, and I personally can’t wait to attend your CREAMation.