• A guy who beats his wife everyday was walking down a city street and got crushed by a falling piano.

• A sadistic waiter loved to tip over sleeping cows, but during one day at work, he bent over backwards for a customer, and they didn’t tip him. That night, he was crushed to death by a giant piano in his sleep.



• Doug plotted a murder-suicide on his innocent friend. He bought a revolver and invited the friend on a hike. When they were deep in the woods, Doug pulled out the gun and tried it, but got the order wrong and did a suicide-murder. He never made it to the second step.

• A three-star college swim recruit counted his lucky stars that God had blessed him with such talent. He always told everyone how grateful he was. Then his legs got crushed by a piano and he never swam again.

• The surviving friend was shocked by Doug’s suicide. “Why?!” he cried out. There was so much left unsaid. Doug would never know the deep attraction he harbored for him; not sexual, but far more than platonic. As the friend collapsed to his knees and wept, death by fallen piano.

• Suzie worked as a FedEx pilot but found ways to have fun. While she steered a transcontinental flight one night, she started doing barrel rolls with the plane. Her cargo was way heavier than usual, and it rattled against the walls. The co-pilot urged her to quit it, but Suzie doubled down and spun even faster. Then, with a bang, the plane busted open like a piñata. Pianos rained down on Omaha. It sucked.