With Champagne Father
Well, well, well, its that time of year again. No, I'm not referring to when children dress up as other people to trick neighbors into giving them Diabetes. I am referring to a much more important season. Much like how major holidays are celebrated across the world, the start of the Football season should be highlighted and cherished across the USA and any other degenerate country that honors this beautiful, violent, quaint, quirky, de-humanizing, cute, badass sport.
If you are a wife or girlfriend reading this, first of all, I would love to talk with you if you are experiencing any relationship problems and if you would like to know what it feels like to be with a real man have a non-emotionally involved third party listen to your struggles and validate your feelings. Second, you likely know that it is football season as your husband abandons you and your children every Saturday, Sunday, Thursday night and Monday night to gamble the mortgage away while drinking copious amounts of beer and watching exploited Americans give each other CTE in this sport that we know and love. Please try to enjoy Tuesday and Wednesday with your caring partner, as these are likely the only full days until mid-February that you will have his attention, that is, when he's not maneuvering trades for his fantasy team.
If you are a single woman who enjoys watching football reading this, my number is 484-849-1007. I look forward to our first date and our inevitable proposal on the jumbotron at halftime of an Eagles vs. Washington Football Team pre-season game (every woman’s dream).
If you are a man reading this, first of all, what's up man? I also like football and beer and monster trucks. Guy stuff is so legit and is what I am all about. Man oh man does it feel good to have this much testosterone running through our blood. Second, happy holidays. This is truly my favorite time of the year and I am sure that it is yours as well. Being an Eagles fan, my season is basically already over which makes me more depressed than Ellen Degeneres without interns to berate but I am trying to hold it together right now. As long as you are not a fan of the Jets, the Jaguars or a team from the NFC East, you are likely having the time of your life watching the big fellas rumble around on the field and perhaps even winning some games. Good for you. Third, I really could use some dating advice. If any of you guys have any experience (1) talking to a girl and (2) eventually kissing said girl, I would love to hear about how you made it happen. My number can be found above -- thanks again for all your help. Times are tough right now
If you are a British person reading this, please leave. You cannot relate to my struggle. Thank you.