Dear Diary,

        I don’t understand my girlfriend. She doesn’t make any sense. She asks me to surprise her for Valentine’s Day. So I do. Then, she gets in a big fuss and yells at me, “Get away from me! You’re insane! How in the world could you have possibly thought I’d like that?!” Hm, I don’t know—maybe watch literally any rom-com ever made! Newsflash, it’s called a big romantic gesture! It’s how you show love, duh. I made sure to do everything right. Roses? Check. Chocolates? Check. Diamonds? Check. You get the point. I even made sure to chase after her to give her that show-stopping kiss! It’s textbook romance. Anyways, things got off to a rocky start when she didn’t appreciate the love pit of roses. “Ow! What the flipping fuck, Richard! I think I broke my ankle! There’s thorns everywhere. I’m bleeding!” she complained, not even thinking of how many hours I spent digging. Then, when I dumped the chocolate fondue onto her, she started screaming at me. “This burns! Oh my God, it burns! Help me,” she whined and complained. Being a good, thoughtful boyfriend, I helped her out of the love pit and gave her a hug, which she so rudely rejected. Then, I presented her with a token of my eternal love: diamond-encrusted handcuffs symbolizing that we will be together forever. She must have lost her mind because she went berzerk! She slapped me and ran away, but being a hopeless romantic, I followed after her. I finally caught her and went in for the big kiss, only for her to bite me—kinda kinky, but not the time! She pushed away from me and proceeded to threaten me with a restraining order. It broke my little heart! Guess some people will never appreciate a nice guy in this crazy, fucked-up world.