When it comes to investing and snagging those juicy returns, any moron with a Robinhood account and a finance-adjacent podcast subscription is looking into the crypto markets. Akon (not an idiot obviously, rather a godsend) did it right, as he has created his own currency, with a name everyone saw coming: Akoin. Below are a number of other hot cryptos to squander fortunes with invest in:

ChristCoin

• Due to gross overpopulation and a reindeer obesity epidemic, Santa has decided to hang up the floppy old hat and focus on a more decentralized, sustainable solution. This year, every good boy and girl will wake up to 1 ChristCoin under their NFTree. If you’re naughty, you won’t be getting any crypto from ole Crisp Pringle. No, you will be receiving U.S. Dollars. These little lumps of cash coal will be rendered obsolete with staggering inflation rates and the inevitable ubiquity of the Metaverse. Good luck spending cash in VR, fuckface!

Webkoinz

• Remember your Webkinz from 2009? Well, they have been working night and day for the last decade to develop the most untraceable blockchain to date. No matter which trench of the dark web you find yourself groveling around, you name it, you can buy it with Webkoinz—everything from baby teeth to babies without teeth.

CryptoCoinCoin

• CryptoCoinCoin is backed by CryptoCoin which is backed by Crypto—it’s too big to fail!

Beethereum

• Do we really have to spell this one out for you? This crypto triples in value every time a child of abuse wins the National Spelling Bee.

Virgin Galacticoin

• The joke with this one is that the word ‘virgin’ is in the name so that’s why it is supposed to be funny.

Bitcoin

• Never heard of this one before but my plumber told me that it is a load of shit—but to him, shit is his job, so I took that as a good thing. 

Pete Davidsoin

• If Pete can manage to date Ariana Grande, Cazzie David, and Kim Kardashian (founder of Kardashioin) all in the same life while living in his mom’s basement, then there is nothing that says that this coin can’t make you rich because clearly everything is possible. Apparently, Pete is also very well endowed, so that can only help the coin—it’s too big to fail!

Honorable Mention: Toyotathoin